The thought of motherhood was daunting for the majority of my pregnancy. In my head, I would have been married for longer than a year and would have been 25 years old when I became pregnant. However, my life and my head often disagree on how things are supposed to happen. Before deciding to get pregnant, I was informed that I had Endometriosis. I was told if I wanted to have kids then, it should be now. There it was, God pushing me in the direction my life was supposed to go. I had so many fears of what motherhood would be like and frankly, most of them came true.
I have always been an adult who required eight hours of sleep to function properly. I feared how I would react to not getting sleep. My little boy surprised me and gave me an experience that I never imagined. I was up for about 30 minutes with him every three hours for the first six months of his life. Let’s not forget about the four weeks straight of him screaming for four hours straight in the middle of the night. Supposedly newborns sleep a lot? My son did not get that memo. He did not understand the concept of a nap. I ran on empty for months.
I am not going to lie. I did not like being sleep deprived. I am a person who goes off of the clock rather than how I really feel. If I have gotten eight hours of sleep but, it is six in the morning, I am still not going to be a happy camper. I did not anticipate anything positive coming out of not getting sleep. However, I learned how to function with no sleep and that is a handy thing to have. Also, I got to experience one of the greatest sensations, the “sleeping through the night” milestone. This one has a lot of tease to it before it is actually achieved. Slowly, my son would sleep for longer periods of time and it was great. Ironically, as he slept for longer periods, I could not fall asleep. I had to start taking melatonin for awhile because my body got so used to not sleeping. As time passed, he would fluctuate on how much he would sleep at a time. There hope and then “really kid?” moments throughout the process. However, he finally sleeps through the night. Hallejuiah! I do not have to debate, “is it really worth going to sleep? He is probably going to be up in an hour.” I am not thrilled that I now am up early every single morning but, I will take him sleeping from 8 pm to 6:30 am in a heartbeat.
I cannot tell you the number of times I cried to my husband when I was pregnant. I was scared that my husband and I would not get out of the house alone. This one definitely came true. My husband and I did leave our son with his parents when he was six-weeks-old. We went to a command function though. So, I do not think that counts. In fact, he is usually with me or my husband unless I have a doctor’s appointment.
That was a fear of mine but, it evolved into something else. I did not want to leave him. I wanted to be with our son as much as possible. It felt like he was growing up so fast. Honestly, sometimes it is hard to leave my son at home with my husband while I go grocery shopping. Who knew that spending time with my husband after our son went to sleep would feel like quality time? I do think that now our son is one-year-old, we will start going on dates again. After all, it is important to take time for yourself and your relationship.
I was scared that I would not be a good mom. I worried that I would not love my son enough or spend enough time with him. I wondered if I would feel like I need a break all of the time and end up being out at the bar all the time. After all, I had seen quite a few Mom’s do that and I did not want to be that way.
I have learned that this is what motherhood is about. Ironically, worrying can make you a good mother. I always want the best for my son. I worry about things regarding him. I may occasionally approach things in a matter that I should not have. In those moments, I feel like a bad mom but, I am human.
I believe that my job, as a mom, is to teach my son that it is okay to make mistakes. However, how you react after the mistake is made is extremely important. I intend to teach my son how to apologize, what love is, to say please and thank you, the value of working, to be grateful and humble. I know that I will teach him so many things and I pray that he remains a wonderful person for his entire life. In the meantime, I will keep him fed, bathed, and happy.
I look back on my son’s first year of life and feel blessed to be his Mommy. I had all of these fears before I brought him into this world. I will admit that my fears did come true but, so many wonderful things came from them. In the end, they were not fears because they led to amazing things that I did not know existed. I do think that every woman goes through their pregnancy being fearful. However, those fears might make a difference in how we parent. At the end of the day, I know I am a good mom and I believe it is partly to do with the fears I had. I will always want the best for my son and try to give him that.
If you are expecting or thinking about becoming a Mom, do not let your fears take control of your life. We all worry and we will for the rest of our lives. I would not want to imagine life without my son. I thank God that He blessed me with being this little boy’s Mom. I promise you, the moment you bring your child into this world, your life will change. I know mine did a year ago at 4:42 PM Pacific Time.